Today is the four year anniversary of JJ being gone. They say it gets easier with time, but what people mean by that is it gets easier to talk about without sobbing, it gets easier to sleep through the night, and to go about your daily activities without focusing only on the aching pain in your heart. I think the word "easier" is completely overrated in a situation like this. Maybe just "less difficult" would be better. I try to forget it ever happened, like he's just been on vacation or in a "no cell phone" area where we can't get in touch. Facing this day over and over is like reliving the day I learned he had been killed. It's amazing how every detail is SO very clear to me on that day, yet his scent, the feel of his hugs, his laugh, his voice, and old memories have become vague with time.
I feel like while facing the grief of his loss i've made some really bad choices in life. I've turned to people who I shouldn't have turned to, I kept declaring how independent and self sufficient I was yet leaned towards others to make decisions for me. I was yearning to fill a void- and no matter if you were toxic in my life I looked to you for that fulfillment. I ran from the pain I was in and did all I could to avoid missing his name. I switched schools thinking that if I ran from the city his memories were in I'd feel better. THat didnt' work, so I escaped to Washington only to find myself in deeper distress. I'd like to say I've forgiven God, but there are so many times I'm mad at him for taking away such an important person in my life. Someone I turned to for EVERYTHING. He blessed me with an amazing brother that was not just a sibling, but my best friend. I can count on one hand the people i've met throughout my life that are as close to their siblings as I was with my brother. And then he took him away. He missed my graduation, my celebration of my new job, my time here in WA, and now another milestone: my son. I'd like to be happy and joyful, but can't help but think that again, JJ is not here to share my joys with me. All the therapy in the world can't wipe away the pain.
Yesterday a friend of mine's dad passed away after a long battle of brain tumors. My heart goes out to them! It made me think of a song my brother wrote for a friend of the family but finished ironically just a few weeks before he-himself- died.
"On my way to a better place
to meet my maker and stare at his face
I dont know if I am the man
He intended, but I did all I can
ON my way to a better place that is mine
Here's what I say to my friends left behind
Wipe away your tears my friends
I'm in heaven, I'm alive again
Now i'm here free from all pain
Be relieved but remember my name
My spirits with me, high and above
but I leave behind me all of my love
Wash away all your fears my friends
I'm in heaven I'm free again"
Thanks to Kim for the outfit for Kaiden. Hes growing so fast and will be able to wear it in no time. Below is a picture of him modeling it=)
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